White Lies That I Told Today

Lie #1
Scene: Subway station, 7:01 am
Two Jehovah's Witnesses are holding copies of The Watchtower. I stop to wrestle my Metrocard out of my purse. They approach.
Jehovah's Witness Lady: Do you mind if we speak to you for a moment?
Me: No, I'm sorry. I'm a practicing Catholic.

Lie #2
Scene: Fifth Avenue Epicurean, 7:42 am
Spotting me, the Eggman starts to dish up a container of his vile scrambled eggs which I am convinced are more powder than hen.
Eggman: I got your eggs ready to go, sweetheart!
Me: Oh, I can't have them anymore [grabs nonfat yogurt]. My doctor says I have to watch my cholesterol.

Lie #3
Scene: Office, 10:56 am
Stormy comes padding into my office, languidly like a lioness honing in on a zebra.
Stormy: What do you know about the office move? Will we finally get offices?
Me: I have no idea.
[The truth is, no one is getting offices].

Lie #4
Scene: Sixth Avenue, 1:04 pm
Stopping at a street vendor's table, admiring the wool berets and trying a red one on.
Vendor: Those are ten dollars.
Me: Ten! The guy on the next block is selling the same ones for eight!

Lie #5
Scene: My office, 3:58 pm
I had too much fiber this week and I accidentally break wind. It makes a little squeak.
Me: [out loud and to one in particular] The goddamn mice in this place are really getting out of control!

Lie #6
Scene: Tiger Schulmann's Gym, 7:15 pm
Joshu is frustrated by my complete inability to manage four sequential steps to execute a side kick.
Me: I can't help it. I have a learning disability.

Lie #7
Scene: Uptown 1 train, 8:11 pm
Young man on crutches hobbles on to train and is universally ignored. He is having trouble staying balanced. He looks miserable.
Me: Please sit down. I'm getting off at the next stop.

Actually I wasn't getting off for another ten stops, but here's hoping my last white lie redeems all the others.