I haven't blogged here for awhile. Dare I say it feels awkward tonight. It feels intrusive. But I also feel the absence. I have few places left that I can totally express myself. I like to think this destination is perhaps the only one left.
I've spent the last few weeks struggling with what my life has become. I'm three years shy of age 50 and I realize that all the things I envisioned at age 17 about what my life would be at this point in my life haven't actually materialized. It's like an ice cold pin prick of realization of failure. Part of me wants to stay in bed and curl in a fetal position. The other part of me wants to go out and make some dramatic changes. I'm not a stay in the bed, suck it up girl. Fuck it. I've needed action my entire life and something is screaming that this is the time to take action.
This particularly hit home last night. I walked in from work and had a glass of wine with Fang. I expressed my frustration. "I fear that I haven't achieved any credible accomplishment in my life." He paused and said, "You have many accomplishments. Just the wrong kind." I'm sorry to say that this revelation made me cry. He's right.
It's really my own fault. I've let my work become the focus of my life. I forgo having the thing I wanted most--children. I failed to really invest in making my marriage work. I failed to make time for friends and vacations and family and those silly pursuits that give life pleasure and balance. I easily blame my job for the lack of balance in my life but the truth is, it's my fault. I let my job suck me up and I went willingly.
What makes this particularly pathetic is the fact that I'm no corporate dynamo. I'm just a particularly efficient worker bee. I'm organized and compliant. I'm a cog in a corporate wheel and dammit, I'll do my best to achieve what you expect of me. And if that means working long days, weekends and while I'm on vacation, I'll do it. And have. Most people I work with do the very same thing. But I'm no dynamo.
So on paper, I really have bupkis to show for my life thus far.
At the heart of it, I don't think that's actually true. I have amassed wonderful friends who give me such earnest pleasure. I actively have dreams of things I want to do beyond my current existence. I still don't think I'm too old for a passionate love affair. I want to see more of the world. I want to learn to ski and play golf. And there are so many foreign languages I still want to learn.
All my life I always had a curious premonition (whatever that means) that I would die at age 57. There's no basis in fact here, but this landmark metric has figured in my thinking for my entire life. If I gave this any heed, that gives me ten years. I'm feeling a compelling urgency to start to really live. I may need someone to show me how.
Midlife crisis, maybe. Taking a stand for the first time in my life--I sense the time is now.
7 comments:
Oh, Lady... Join the club. You're no worse than anyone else, and better than most. Fret not. We're all in a very unforgiving situation. Veils have been snatched off of weaknesses. And hidden strengths are revealed. It's happening everywhere, to everyone. If you have the presence of mind to ask yourself if it's too late to choose change, then the answer is no.
Christopher: I needed to hear that.
My pleasure, foxy. :-)
C&W - I have two things to tell you. First, many times I feel exactly the same way. I have stepkids but it sure isn't the same as kids of my own and I know I will not be having any. So, I wonder, what WILL I do with my life? Is being a good wife and taking care of a sweet dog and doing decently at work enough? Should I be DOING something more with my life? Should I go back to school? (taking two MBA classes has persuaded me that perhaps that's not the course of action for me...) Should I volunteer? I don't know what it is, but I am 9 years younger than you and I feel like I am having a mid-life crisis already and it is no fun. I am with you, sister.
Second, if it makes you feel any better, I think of you as this glamorous, accomplished, fascinating person - well traveled, well spoken and creative. You have so much going for you. I feel like a country mouse next to you. The grass is always greener, as they say.
Whatever you do next, I am sure it will be fabulous. I do think you really might want to think about that bastard commute of yours. It sucks up so much of your day and probably a lot of your will to do anything else or make any changes. Of course, you can take that advice and shove it up my large butt if you'd like, but just in case you were hoping for a third party observation, there ya go.
:-)
{{{hugs!!}}}
Seize the day! You are gorgeous and smart and talented and adventurous.
I love you guys. Thanks for the empathy; thanks for the gracious thoughts. I haven't given up yet--I daresay, I am plotting. And I wish the same to you wonderful folks. xox
Well, there are two mini-folks here in DC who can hang with you and make you smile.
I think you're super cool and I have not even had a chance to meet you in person...Just talking about your worries in a public forum is brave.
I think our world of late is like living in this tremendous magnifying glass that makes you interpret yourself with self-doubt and the "not good enoughs."
Anyway, thinking of you and hope to meet you in person soon!
-J
Post a Comment