Goofus & Gallant

I woke up at 3 am this morning thinking about the children's allegory of good and evil encapsulated in the decades old saga "Goofus & Gallant." In truth, I was actually thinking about when I could get a visit in to the dentist which led to thinking about my childhood dentist which led to thinking about the hell of waiting in his sterile waiting room which led to "Highlights" magazine which..well, you see where I'm going.

When I was a child, I wanted to be just like the good and responsible Gallant who did everything right while utilizing superbly correct manners at all times. Everyone loved Gallant. I would use Gallant as an impossible role model as a child, often failing with spectacular glory when my inner Goofus reared its head.

This morning I wondered how I could capture actual decisive moments in my day and apply the Goofus & Gallant principle to them. It seemed like an intriguing exercise.

-Goofus gets impatient in slow traffic. He honks at other cars trying to cut into his lane and calls someone an "asshole."
-Gallant doesn't mind waiting. He enjoys the society of his fellow commuters and wants everyone to get to work safely.

-Goofus thinks $4.25 is an outrageous amount to pay for a soy venti latte and sighs dramatically when paying the cashier at Starbucks.
-Gallant is happy to pay $4.25 if it will help Starbucks in their effort to preserve the Amazonian rain forests. He even tucks a crisp dollar in the barrista's tip jar.

-Goofus takes up two spaces in the lot while trying to park. After all, he has a big ass SUV and needs the room. Besides, you could shoot a cannon through this great big lot and not hit anything.
-Gallant's Prius fits easily within a space. He even parks at the far end of the lot in case someone more deserving wants to be closer to the entrance.

-Goofus has ten voicemail messages waiting. He deletes them all, rationalizing if they are that important, they'll call him back.
-Gallant writes down every number and returns every call, repeating his phone number twice and in slow, clear tones so the recipient will be able to reach him.

-Goofus boots up his computer and immediately logs on to Gawker.com.
-Gallant boots up his computer and checks the company's stock price on The Financial Times Online.

-Goofus attends the first of eight meetings that will take all day. At the conference table, he surrounds himself with five cups of coffee, a can of Red Bull, chocolate covered espresso beans and any other obvious stimulate to stay awake.
-Gallant can't wait to start his meetings. He brings a in a basket of muffins and sets out notepads and pencils for all the participants.

-Goofus tells the sales executive "You're lucky you have a job, Jerky!" when arguing over fine points on a commission plan.
-Gallant says, "You're right. You do deserve an additional $10,000. I'll call HR right away and make it happen!"

-Goofus has another Red Bull for lunch.
-Gallant has lunch catered in for the entire office.

-Goofus insists the budget won't support any additional staff travel expenditures and demands that the strategy meeting be done on site.
-Gallant cashes in all his own airline mileage to fly the entire sales team to Hawaii. After all, they work so hard to make the company a success and they deserve a reward.

-Goofus leaves the seat up.
-Gallant sits. And uses a paper toilet ring.

-At the end of the day, Goofus sees he has 50 e-mails, several with exclamation marks denoting urgency. He shuts down his laptop without opening them.
-Gallant stays until 7 pm responding to each and every e-mail. It would be rude to keep people waiting.

-On the drive home, Goofus accidentally gets caught behind a row of cars exiting for Yankee Stadium. And there's a Yankee game that night. In frustration, Goofus rolls down his window and screams, "The Yankees SUCK! Steinbrenner SUCKS! JETER AND A-ROD SUCK!!!!"
-Gallant is happy just to wait. Everyone loves baseball.

-In his apartment building, Goofus sees that someone has left their set of keys dangling from their mailbox. He leaves it there, mumbling, "What a dumbass."
-Gallant removes the keys and takes them to the doorman for safekeeping.

-Goofus has a pile of work from the office that he needs to do, but decides to download porn, have a beer and watch "American Idol" instead.
-Gallant stays up till 1 am finishing his work.

Goodness is overrated.