It's Monday and that means another morning conversation over coffee with the Glamazon. I live for these.

Glamazon: Morning! How are....oh, you look terrible.
Me: Gee, thanks. I still have this lousy cold and I got three hours sleep last...
G: That's it. I'm done. I've had him up to here [makes a karate chop gesture with hand under her chin]
M: Huh? Who?
G: The Idiot.
M: What did he do now?
[The Glamazon struggles to get the top off my candy jar. I open it and hold it towards her. With a bright pink nail she sifts through the selection, gently withdrawing a miniature Krackle bar. She peels the foil back like she's peeling a grape].
G: Well, he was sick and he wanted me to take care of him. He never takes care of me when I'm sick. He brought soup to my apartment.
M: For you?
G: No, for himself [nibbles the end of the chocolate bar]. He takes care of himself better than he does me. So, he comes over and asks me if I'll take care of him.
M: Men need babying when they get sick.
G: He always needs babying. He expects me to take him out to eat and pick up the tab and I won't do it. I expect to be taken out on a date. Then he gets mad at me and makes little digs. He called me mean and cheap.
M: You're not mean or che...
G: I always cook for him. Sometimes I pick up a chicken and cook a nice meal for him. I pay for that and he doesn't think that counts.
M: [ears perk up] Hey, what was the name of that great chicken place in Queens that you liked when you were a kid?
G: Topsy's. OH, I LOVED TOPSY'S!! When I am lying on my deathbed, I'll still think Topsy's chicken will be one of the highlights of my life. Even more than the first time I had sex.
M: That must be some chicken.
G: So, on Saturday, we had breakfast and then he fell asleep on my couch. So I went out get a mani/pedi and when I got back, he was agitated. So I say "What's wrong with you? You got schpilkes?" [Yiddish expression for "ants in your pants"]. And he wanted me to go out and start his car so he wouldn't have to get in to a cold car when he drove home.
M: Please tell me you didn't do that.
G: Oh NO! Of course not! He's impossible. Now he wants me to buy him a Valentine's Day gift! He thinks women should buy the men gifts and not the other way around. If he thinks I'm going to do that, he really is an idiot!
M: Well, what are you going to do?
G: [Thinking I meant it rhetorically] Right? What are you gonna do! [Throws hands up]

[silence]

G: Do you like kiwi fruit? I brought some in today. I bought them for idiot because they have lots of vitamin C.
M: I don't like green fruit as a rule. You know, kiwi, avocado...
G: I LOVE AVOCADO! Hey, what about green apples?
M: Oh, well yes, I do like green apples!
G: Well, those aren't really green. They're white inside. They're really more white than green. I really love orange fruit...and vegetables! Sweet potatoes and butternut squash!
M: Isn't butternut squash technically gold?
G: Yeah, orange. Right?