I enjoyed a conversation with the Glamazon today. A chat with my dear friend reminds me of that oft repeated line from "Forest Gump": You never know what you're going to get. We started talking about menopause which eventually digressed into plastic surgery. This may sound like an natural transition, but let me be clear, it was not. The segues in a conversation with The Glamazon take many twists and turns. Blink and you'll be off topic. Really, the only way I can take you from point A to Z is to faithfully recreate a portion of today's dialogue.

Glamazon: Did you watch the "Today" show yesterday?
Me: No, I left for work before...
G: (interrupts) Well, they showed Matt Lauer what it's like to have a hot flash.
M: A menopausal hot flash?
G: What other kind is there?
M: I'm not sure. How did they demonstrate it?
G: They wrapped him in a blanket and sweated him.
M: Sounds about right.
G: Yes, but he only has to experience it for the show. And just the heat part. No mood swings. No vaginal atrophy. Try going through it every day. It's HORRIBLE. Men just have no idea!
M: Vaginal atrophy...?
G: Men get older and they just want the young chickies.
M: They want chicken?
G: You know, you can be a gorgeous, successful woman in your 50s with a great body and you still can't find a decent man.
M: Maybe they're looking in the wrong place.
G: No, no. The media has made it impossible for a woman to get older, even if she does look fresh and gorgeous.
M: This is the media's fault or the men chasing the chickens?
G: Women are held up to the most impossible standards. Look at the people in the tabloids and on TV! It's out of control!
M: Most of the celebrities in the media these days are under 40.
G: The women are! Not the men! A man can get fat and wrinkly and still get young girls. Look at Jack Nicholson! He's old and paunchy and the young girls are lining up for him. A women gets old and she gets bupkus!
M: I don't think that's true, nec....
G: My friend, who is spectacular and looks very youthful at 60--I mean she's hot, you'd never know she's 60--just got dumped by her boyfriend who's 70--Seventy!!!--because he wants to go out, run around and have his fun with some sexy 50 year old.
M: Maybe you should date him. Does he like chicken?
G: Men sleep around their entire lives with any young woman they want. They're animals.
M: Are you saying we can't have younger men ourselves? There's no rule...
G: No wonder Viagra is making so much money! Old men need to keep up with all their young chickies.
M: Can't WE have men chickies? AND chicken?
G: I was waiting to have my eyes done, but maybe I need to do them sooner.
M: Huh? What about your eyes?
G: Surgery. I was going to get them "done" one of these days. I have a plastic surgery fund.
M: You don't need plastic surgery. You don't want to look like Jocelyn Wilderstein.
G: Haven't you ever thought about getting something done? The nip? The tuck? You're in New York! Having plastic surgery is like getting a dental filling here.
M: Mmm..no, not really. Though I do fantasize about...
G: I've been saving for five years to get my eyes done. I like the idea of restalyne to fill in lines. And well, Botox--everyone does Botox!
M: ...about having my boobs reduced. I always wanted small boobs, a...
G: Collagen is horrible though. You can tell when it's been done. And it's terribly abused these days. It could get easily botched.
M:...a B cup would be very nice.
G: If you look in the back of New York Magazine, there are tons of ads for every kind of plastic surgery under the sun. Things you can't even imagine!
M; Uh-huh.
G: Have you seen the ads for The Center for Vaginal Rejuvenation?
M: Huh? What the hell is that?
G: They (makes a sewing gesture) tighten you up. They are known for their hymen restoration procedure.
M: Holy shit. Well, then surely, they can do something for vaginal atrophy.
G: It's disgusting.

People, I can't make this stuff up. Bless her.