Well, here it is: a bright shiny new year. This is the time we shed all the bad and ugly events of the previous year and emerge anew, full of fresh hope for the promise of the new year ahead.Bullshit.
I've spent the past forty-something years earnestly hoping for a fresh start on January 1. I am inevitably disappointed. I even had cause to go back and look at my naive ramblings from this date last year on this blog and had to suppress a cynical guffaw. It was nice to know I still clung to some shred of optimism back then. I had then, under the influence of champagne bubbles, an incoming Presidential administration and dogged determination that The Man (my euphemism for work) wouldn't get me down that not only would I survive 2009, but I would succeed and prosper.
I do admire my optimism at that time and in truth, who would have foreseen the catastrophic events of our economy, the recession and unemployment? I could never have predicted the disastrous nosedive of the industry I've worked in for 25 years. I would have never expected to bid adieu to colleagues I've worked with for a very long time. I would have never anticipated that my long and confident career had suddenly become a constantly reactive job and one which could easily end at a moment's notice. All this happened in the past twelve months.
In the course of keeping on top of a business positioned on quicksand, I lost sight of real life. I completely neglected my marriage. I wasn't as consistent in communicating with family and friends. I stopped giving a shit about things that I do give a shit about: writing, art, cooking, nature, history, reading, film, food, people. I stopped observing the world around me. I wasn't curious. I drank wine on the weekdays when I only used to enjoy it on the weekends. I had many moments of deep and profound sadness in 2009 which I don't experience very often. And I didn't like it. At all.
So when I look back at the bravado of my previous New Year's posts, I realize that I can't make the same sort of promises in 2010. My expectations are simple--remember the things that are important: family, friends and the small things that give pleasure. Make time for yourself. Don't live your life on a schedule. Never live in fear. Your job does not define you.
And these are resolutions I can live with.
2 comments:
Did I miss something? Did you lose your job?????
I hope this year is better for you. *HUGS*
Aw, McV--you are sweet. No, I didn't lose my job but these days, things seem very unpredictable. I hope you are your family are well and that 2010 is a great year for you all.
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