A Day in the (Cold) Life

Despite the cold, Fang and I ventured out today to run some errands. Motherfucker. It was cold. The three layers of clothing I had on were barely sufficient to combat single degree wind chill temperatures. The chenille gloves did not keep my ten digits from becoming rigid. The snow boots were not dense enough to stave off hypothermia from invading my toes. I foolishly left my fur hat at home and I had to wrap my pashmina scarf around my head like a peasant Russian babushka. Fashion be damned--I was cold.

Our first stop was for breakfast. We stopped at The City Diner (90th and Broadway). All I wanted was a simple, unembellished bowl of oatmeal. At any diner in the five boroughs, in Jersey or in Connecticut, you can easily get a bowl of oatmeal. Not so at City Diner. I asked the waiter for an exception. Here is our exchange:

Me: All I want is some oatmeal.
Waiter: There is none today, miss.
Me: That's practically un-American. Every diner has oatmeal.
Waiter: Shrugs.
Fang orders..if only to give me more time to find an alternative choice.
Me: OK, I'll have the Athenian omelet. No tomatoes. Egg whites only. No potatoes. Can I have cottage cheese instead of the potatoes?
Waiter: No substitutions. You can have tomato slices instead of the potatoes.
Me: Well, since I don't want tomatoes in my omelet, why would I want slices on my plate?
Fang gives the silent gesture (finger across throat) at me.
Waiter: It's extra for a side of cottage cheese.
Fang nods. I acquiesce.
Waiter: What sort of toast do you want?
Fang's eyes roll.
Me: Do you have 7 grain bread?
Waiter: Yes.
Me: No butter, please.
Fang is practically sliding down in the booth.
Waiter: You don't want the bread buttered?
Me: No, but can you bring some butter substitute on the side? Smart Start?
Waiter: (baffled): Margarine?
Me: No, no margarine. Butter substitute.
Waiter: (confused) Butter?
Fang: Just bring the butter on the side, please.

When the food arrived, I immediately noticed the obscenity of its volume. The omelet while low fat in theory, was gargantuan in size. The side of cottage cheese was at least three cups. The toast were large pieces (but at least they were unbuttered). I ventured in. I consumed about 1/3 of the omelet, one piece of toast and 1/3 of the cottage cheese. I hate wasting food but I have learned to eat prudently. I have learned to obey when I am full, even if that means I may waste food. All I wanted was a small cup of oatmeal.

We ran some errands in the neighborhood while my extremities continued to grow colder. Our final stop was Whole Foods at 97th and Columbus.

I appreciate the value proposition of Whole Foods but unlike traditional grocery stores, I don't understand how it's organized. We wandered many of the aisles in order to find unique products like Kashi Go Lean cereal, Greek yogurt, protein bars, soy snacks and turkey jerky. And the whole check-out system? It's like a secret club. We wandered around like amateurs in order to figure it out. I smelt the derision of the veterans in line as they watched us trying to divine this inside secret.

We're home now and I'm preparing a meal of whole wheat orrichete with chicken sausage, broccoli rabe and garlic. The apartment is warm and cozy. A re-run of "America's Next Top Model" is on the television. I cracked some Oyster Bay Sauvignon Blanc. And all is sorta right with the world.