Summing It Up

We're a month shy of the year's end, but I am already reflecting back at my childlike, idealistic musings at the start of this year. When I posted back in January, I grasped for those few strains of optimism that could make 2009 a turning point in my life: renewed health, exuberant upturns in business, personal growth and a fresh approach to the next half of my life. I think I even imagined taking a life changing vacation to expand my horizons. Foolish, foolish mortal.

I clearly must have been delusional.

True that months ago I couldn't have imagined the downturn in business nor the impact of the recession upon business. I couldn't have imagined saying good bye to scores of valued colleagues. I couldn't have imagined that my workload would have increased to the degree that there was never a good time to actually take a vacation (or that I would have felt guilty to actually schedule any time off). In the past 11 months, life has turned upside down. Sometimes it hurts my brain just to think about it.

On the upside, I have improved my health this year. I am fortunate to still have employment (although I recognize that this is always tenuous and could easily change). I am grateful that Fang and I resolved some serious issues that could have separated us this year. I am thankful that my family is healthy and happy. It could be worse. I'm always conscious of that.

Still, this is our lives. This is the only run we get. I'm halfway through mine and I'm still not clear on the objective. I find that living reactively is no way to live. Will it get better? Or is this the way it will always be?

For better or worse, I find myself comparing my life at my current age to that of my parents at this time in their lives. From my vantage point, they had a perfect balance in their existence. They worked from 9 to 5 and spent their leisure time enjoying hobbies, social relationships and copious friendships. My Father got his pilot's license and flew Beechcraft airplanes all over the state of California. My parents bought a sailboat and spent their weekends sailing regattas. They hosted bridge parties and entertained with gusto. They took multiple vacations each year and traveled to the far reaches of the world. Their lives, even then, seemed quite full to me.

At the same age, I am working. And not much else. It depresses me. I just decided to take control of life since fate clearly won't do it for me. I have learned that to effect change, you must do things for yourself and not wait for it to happen.

One of the hallmarks of our company is that they grant a two week sabbatical for every seven years of employment. This past March, I passed my 21st year of employment with the company. I didn't get a chance to take my sabbatical in 2009 but having thought about it, I will take it in 2010. I'd like to go and apprentice on a goat farm in Vermont. I have exchanged messages with a farm I became acquainted with through Martha Stewart's Living and I have proposed they take me on as free labor in order to further my education in goat cheese making. I await their reply but I am optimistic. It could be the new window that needs opening.

It's not over yet, but I'm so ready for 2009 to come to an end.