The Issue of Divorce

My pal McVittie posted something on her blog recently about a couple they knew who planned to split up. It was a sad shock to her. The comments from her sympathetic readers naturally expressed distress; this was a couple who had been together a long time and whom McVittie and her husband enjoyed very much. Indeed, it is sad to see a long term partnership dissolve.

But sometimes there's a necessary reason why this happens.

I am born of a generation that labored under the notion that marriage should be for keeps. You compromise and weather the hard times as partners. If you endeavor to embark on a marriage, I would absolutely counsel those tenants are true. What this does not take into account is that as people mature, they start to want different things, objectives divert, intimacy (in all respects) dissipates. It takes a shitload of focus to keep these on track.

I'd argue a lot of marriages dissolve because people get married too young. They become partners when the individuals involved haven't actually found themselves yet, When they do, they may come to realize that what they truly endeavor to achieve has nothing to do with the person they find themselves legally linked to. If children are involved in the mix (and they often are), this equation gets convoluted with guilt and often results in settling for the choice they made. A dear friend once said, "I made the bed; now I must lie in it." It's true the children must be considered, for their lives will be traumatically affected by a parental split yet people must make choices that give them the autonomy to live their lives fully.

Sounds simple, yet most women I know are in unsatisfactory marriages and probably will remain so. That's not to say that they don't feel tremendous affection for their partners--they often do--but the overall expectation of a balanced partnership has eroded. Maybe they will indulge in an affair (and that has nothing to do with a need for sex; most women have affairs for a sense of renewed intimacy; men will have affairs for a restoration of their self-worth and confidence). And maybe a couple decides to split up because the relationship is..just..done.

When people marry young, they've only started to realize the outline of the people they become. After 20 years have passed, the outline has been fleshed out and suddenly a familiar couple has become strangers to one another. They have their routines and rituals yet they know nothing about one another at all anymore. That can not be healthy for either of them. I daresay it's healthy if they can acknowledge this and work through the process of getting reacquainted. Or they can simply call it a day. That takes some courage.

To that end, don't shun or pity those people who have the courage to divorce if in fact it is the right reason for their relationship. Yes, pity the bystanders (children) who happen to participate unwillingly in the process, but respect the work it took to make such a difficult decision. Marriage is hard, yes, but you're no hero to labor in one if your sense of self and happiness is being slowly eclipsed.

I know my marriage is not a conventional one (and personally, I don't think I could exist in a conventional one) but I still see the weight of what marriage means. There is an obligation to another that always rests with me. It reminds me that I can't stay out drinking till all hours with my homies. If I'm running late coming home, I better call. I have to talk to someone else before I splurge on something because we share our money. He listens to my problems. I can't have sex with anyone else. I have to be accountable for my part of the bargain. And trust me, people, I know I get off easy. Some people have nary the freedom I enjoy.

I've often though if something happened to Fang, would I get married again? Truthfully, I doubt I would. I'm personally solvent. I'm too old to bear children. I like my freedom too much. I would like a partner. Or partners. Or friends. That hardly requires marriage.

My friend Jules recently had the courage to leave an unhappy marriage. She has two adorable children. I don't know how they've weathered this change but they seem like perfectly joyous and well adjusted little moppets. I imagine it took a lot of personal strength to take that step and to keep her family unit fortified. As tough a step that was, she's a better person for it. I admire that.

My own parents were married for 37 years before they divorced. I remember asking my mother why she waited so long to take this step. "I was worried about you kids!" she wailed. I was 33 when she got divorced. At 33, I could take it. I was amazed she waited so long on me and Marv's behalf.

I like this quote about divorce from the writer Helen Rowland: "When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to."

Just a thought.