Mediocrity

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

This is a segment from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by the master, T.S. Elliot. It is my favorite poem of all time. I have felt a curious passion for this verse my entire life, from the first time I read it when I was fifteen. I hope my close friends know that someone must take responsibility for reading these words at my funeral (because God love him, Fang probably won't). They are beyond powerful for me for I share the protagonist's realization of their mediocrity.

I am at a mid point in my life (optimistically assuming I would actually live to be 100--I'll be lucky to make 50!). I've seen common themes of mediocrity and I can admit objectively these few things: I'll never be a millionaire and I will always be squarely middle class. I am not violently left or right politically so I am probably categorized middle of the road. I am not as aggressive in my exhortations in business management that some of my peers are, so perhaps I am portrayed as benign. I don't stand up to aspects of dissatisfaction in my life, so I am perhaps considered passive. Maybe I don't stand up to my boss as effectively as I'd like to, so I could be considered ineffective. I am guilty of hiding my boredom under good manners. I am aware of all these shortcomings. I can't always find my voice as powerfully as I feel (oh, but I hear it inside me so very loudly, sometimes to the point of pain).

The truth is, I accept my mediocrity. Like Mozart's rival Salieri, I revel in my poster child status. I am a soldier in life, in work, in the everyday stages of every moment. But even those of us with an average facade hope for a glimpse of something sparkling--as Elliot suggests, the siren songs that don't sing for him.

I hold out hope that they will sing for me.