Neglecting Danger

I had one of those days yesterday when things start to spiral badly out of control. I think the positive of said days is that you recognize it for what it is, acknowledge it, roll with it and see it out. It helps deflect disappointment. One usually wakes the next day restored and grateful, hence restoring the natural optimism and selective memory of the human condition.

The day at work was actually wonderful. That evening, I had planned a dinner with my key warriors to acknowledge them for their weeks (and weekends) of hard work through the budget process. I hadn't planned a big fancy dinner--I promised them a few drinks and some sub par Mexican food in an atmospheric dive in Westport, CT. I wanted them to relax, let their hair down and enjoy an easy night out. This was not a traditional business dinner--it was a thank you meal on my dime for a select and valued few.

We arrived at the restaurant and indeed, it was a proper sawdust-on-the-floor dive. We sat outside, ordered a drink and started the appropriate bullshitting conversations that are the hallmark of a winding down of a stressful cycle. It was fun. The waiter took orders for a second round. Here's where I veered. Most of the assembled had a short ride home within the woodlands of Connecticut. I had a long commute back to Manhattan on well traveled highways with lots of 18 wheelers. Everyone ordered a second round--I ordered water. This cycle went on through dinner and afterwards. I soon switched up to coffee. My colleagues were jovial in their tequila induced haze.

The Queen Bea started to dominate the conversation around 9:10 pm. My colleagues were feeling giddy. I was stone sober and honestly, ready to go home. I left the hearty revelers around 10 pm. I headed for the New England Thruway. It was a parking lot at 10:11 pm. FUCK. There was construction taking place so three highway lanes were being consolidated into one. It took me a half hour to get to two exits. I was beside myself. I just wanted to get home.

I finally pulled into Manhattan at 11:38 pm. I parked in my garage and walked the three long blocks to my building. Now, I do this walk every morning and every evening when I get home but it's rare I do this walk at the witching hour. As I trod heavily along the sidewalk in a pair of three inch heels and business suit, I knew I looked out of place. There was a few vehicles on the road and absolutely no one on the street. During the day, there are throngs of people and dogs being walked and people waiting for buses. At this moment, there was no one. As I walked down the sidewalk by the 19th century cemetery, I felt uneasy. My regular hood suddenly felt alien.

In the distance I saw a group of teenagers gathered in a pack at the end of the block. My first reaction was relief. And then I saw them staring at me. It was disconcerting. I approached them and started to hear their jeering. They started to approach me and for the first time in a very long time, I felt fear. I felt, curiously, that I was going to be attacked. When that kind of fear hits you, it feels like someone has given you an mainline injection of ice water. I'm a tough old broad but I admit to you, I was afraid.

They came at me and started to cat call. If this was a regular day when the streets are full of life and I'm feeling cocky, I can dissuade this verbal bullshit with a comparable retort. This did not feel fun and easy as the aforementioned usually are. These were kids who were clearly a little fucked up and dangerous. I came up to them and with my best defiant chin and indifferent face and walked past them with purpose. I hoped they would see my indifference and would lose interest. They did not. They followed me.

As I walked along, I summoned the steps I had learned at Tiger Schumann's to deflect an assault from behind. I had learned this technique over and over in robotic steps; I worried that I would not be able to execute it fully should the occasion present itself. I mentally resigned myself to surrendering my purse if they did attack me. I hadn't the energy or resourceful humor to dissuade them. And later, only later, did I worry that if I should be attacked beyond simple robbery that I could not summon the mental capacity to go for the only place that should deter them physically; that being their balls. I didn't know what to expect at the moment.

They followed me until I got to the corner bodega. They called me names that on a normal day would have made me turn and rip their tongues out. There was one of me and six of them and even a mathematical genius like me knows the odds are stacked against me. I resisted the urge to fling every foul profanity back at them but why incite their hepped up state? I had to simply suck it up. And walk as fast as I could in three inch heels. That is not easy, people. In fact, it is humiliating.

I clearly wasn't sport enough for this mob so they peeled off as I neared my building. I increased my double time step and entered into the safety of my environs. Only then did the cold feeling invading my veins passed. I saw Juan the doorman in the lobby. I told him casually about my experience and God bless this man, he immediately raced out into the street in search of my tormentors. I could have kissed him for that.

I finally arrived at my apartment at 11:54. I admit to you that I still felt scared. I felt for the first time, in ages, vulnerable. When I climbed into bed after midnight, Fang (in his half asleep state) was furious at my delay arriving home from my dinner. He took all the covers and rolled over. I didn't fall asleep until 3 am.

I got up two and a half hours later for work. It was a brand new day.