Happy Fourth

When I was growing up, celebrating the 4th of July was an ambiguous event in my house. My mother was English and while an American citizen for a number of years, she steadfastly refused to condone a holiday that commemorated America's defeat of English tyranny and rule. "I can't denounce my people!" she would say dramatically. I suspect this annual declaration was firmly rooted in drama because by the end of the day, she would be enjoying the fireworks, barbecue chicken and apple pie as much as we common American natives.

I wallowed in a bit of self pity yesterday at work listening to the dazzling getaways my colleagues planned for the long weekend. They were off to the Catskills, Block Island, the Adirondacks, Vermont, the Jersey Shore, Cape Cod and the Hamptons. And what are you doing for the long weekend, they asked politely. Me? I'm going to Queens. I know--it simply reeks of glamour.

True to our ritual, we were in the car early this morning forging the familiar byways of the Triboro Bridge to Queens. Despite my pouting at yet another holiday weekend trapped in New York City, the trifecta of Queens aunts made up for it today. These aged wonders were in roaring form today, even Aunt Fran who generally focuses on her health concerns and bowel movements. Today she was warm and effusive and actually funny.

For our 4th of July feast, we had take out Chinese food. Over Hunan chicken and spring rolls we talked about everything from the Madonna-A-Rod-Lenny Kravitz love triangle to Barak Obama's VP selection. We moaned over the Mets season (don't even get Aunt Bert started about Pedro Martinez--"He's a bum!" she screamed). And there was spirited and explicit dialogue over the Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook divorce case. You've never lived until you've heard a nearly 90 year old woman say, "He testified that he masturbated on his computer." (I wanted to correct her and say that he actually masturbated in front of his webcam so it could be viewed on the internet but her line was much, much better).

Yet the real highlight came when Fang announced the Nathan's Coney Island hot dog eating contest had come down to a dead heat. Now, this particularly famous competitive eating contest (which always takes place on the 4th of July and which ESPN televises) commands certain bragging rights. Takeru Kobayashi, a slim Japanese fellow, held the record for six years. Last year a Californian named Joey Chestnut took the title. Both champions competed this year, head to head. The two were tied at 59 hot dogs a piece at the end of the regulation 10 minutes, forcing a sudden death overtime to determine which man could eat five more hotdogs in the shortest time. Oh, that has disgusting written all over it.

Fang went to watch the sudden death eat-off on TV; the aunts began to speak:

Bert: Why would someone want to eat all those hot dogs? How many did they eat?
Fang (in the distance): 59
Stella: There ought to be a law against that. It's unnatural to eat food quickly like that.
Fran: Of course they throw it up.
Fang: If they throw up, they are disqualified.
Basia: How long did it take them to eat 59 hot dogs?
Fang: 12 minutes.
Fran: It's unnatural.
Stella: When did people start eating hot dogs like this?
Basia: There are competitive eating contests all the time.
Fang: Hot dogs are traditional competitive eating. These people do this for a living.
Me (baiting): And what other foods are competitively eaten?
Fang: Potato skins. Mozzarella sticks...
Bert: What about pie? Pie is nice.
Fang:...cannoli, pizza, deep fried asparagus.
Me: Oh, that will be some smelly pee!
Fang:...stuffed mushroom caps, rigatoni. You name it. There is a competitive eating league.
Stella: Oh, they should get a real job.
Bert: They must throw it all up afterwards.
Fran: Oh yes, they'd have to. The nitrates in the hot dogs are terrible for you.

In the end Joey Chestnut won the annual Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest on by downing 64 hot dogs....and may I add, in the first ever overtime. How American is that?