Guilt

Image: Wild River Review

My mother always said that guilt was a waste of time. I agree with her in theory, but in truth, I do find myself waking often in the middle of the night feeling guilty about things that I should be doing (or should have done). On the flight back from Germany yesterday, I mentally compiled a list. Despite the week's excellent adventure, there was a whole lot of guilt praying on my head. Specifically:

-MaryCatherineFullofGrace had surgery the previous week. While it was a 48 hour affair and she seemed very breezy about the process (in fact, she was more concerned about Doctor Doolittle and her son rambling alone in the house), I was worried sick about her. But did I drop her an e-mail from Europe? No (I actually didn't have her e-mail address with me and it's not stored in my blackberry. Is that a good excuse? No).

-I ordered my mother-in-law's birthday gift online an hour before I left for Europe. Which means she got it late. Because I procrastinated.

-My Aunt Vivian has sent me a few letters lately and the tone of them indicates she's lonely. I know nothing would perk her up more than a phone call and a good long chat. Have I called her yet? No.

-A West Coast friend, Todor, has sent me several e-mails and I keep meaning to respond to them with a good long update. The last one said, "I haven't heard from you. Are you mad at me?" I feel terrible.

-I haven't written the performance reviews for my staff yet. They work hard all year long and are deserving of documented praise recognizing their stellar efforts. And have I done these yet? No. Inexcusable.

-I've been wanting to have a housewarming party since we moved into this apartment (almost four years ago now), but I wanted to get the bathroom remodeling done first. I've stopped talking about it; my friends must just think I'm anti-social.

-I haven't had much contact with Hollaback since she started her new job. I could pick up the phone a bit more often, but I feel like I'm on the phone so much at work that I can barely stand to chat away on the phone in my free time. Still, I feel terribly neglectful just now.

-My pal Wardy is training to run a marathon and asked if I would sponsor him. Of course, I reassured him. He sent me a link which I forwarded to my home e-mail to donate. That was over a month ago. I'd completely forgotten about it.

-I still feel terrible that I didn't get to the meet the Royal Oak Boys on their recent visit to New York. They brought their fanciest shoes to wear, too.

-I owe my cousin in England a long letter. I owe my friends in Texas a long letter. I owe some friends in New Jersey a call. I hope I don't forget Brooklyn Sue's birthday next week. Oh, shit, my niece in California has a birthday next week. Did we pay our property taxes? What did I say to offend The Queen Bee? Damn, I forgot to return The Arctic Fox's urgent call from last week.

And so on.

I'd like to think guilt is a waste of time. Yeah, tell my brain that.