It's Alot of Work to Manage this Rat's Nest

My friend Norma announced to me last week that she was getting hair extensions--long blonde highlighted curls to accent her already kittenish mane of long blond highlighted hair. I couldn't imagine her with this additional volume of hair but the image of Bardot in one of those French movies came to mind: a soaring blonde halo of hair wrapped around the shoulders like a sable shawl. She's throwing down a pretty penny for these and undoubtedly the outcome will be fabulous but it got me thinking about the high price of maintenance.

A decade ago, I wouldn't have dreamed about paying someone $50 to blow dry my hair. Two decades ago, a box of Clairol was the only alternative to keeping me blonde. I wouldn't have fathomed paying what I do for Kiehl's silk groom or Bumble and Bumble conditioner...not when there was perfectly good bottles of Silkience on the shelves at the grocery store. There was a time when I thought I could cut my own bangs perfectly fine. How quickly you learn.

After years of grappling with the furry tumbleweed that is my hair, I cut it off very short several times, once in a skullcap of hair that gently coated my scalp. That suited me (at least from a maintenance perspective) but it hardly provided much versatility in styling options. And the truth is, being on the tall side and with a build that tends toward Slavic peasant, I started to feel a bit masculine. It had been a long time since I'd had long hair so I let it grow. And grow it did--outwards. It was just a little terrifying. Hence, the slow and steady adaptation of professional maintenance.

I'm embarrassed to say I spend about $200 a month just having my hair blown out. I pay even more to have someone bleach my roots and highlight the rest. I have it deep conditioned every few months and trimmed a few times a year. Yet for all this level of professional help, there are days like today when the snow flurries and mist in the air have already undermined my follicles before I even get to work...and the resulting outcome resembles one of those furry toys that a dog has gnawed into a frizzy, matted mess.

I profess to have hair envy among some of my friends. MaryCatherineFullofGrace simply washes her sleek auburn mane and it looks like something out of one of those Garnier commercials. She doesn't realize how lucky she is (though she'll tell you otherwise). Double D has soft gorgeous curls that naturally spring up around her face like a blonde frame (and a natural blonde one, damn her). Even Hollaback with her boyish salt and pepper cropped cut merely runs a hand through it and it looks done. It's just wrong.

I suppose it's too late to turn back now that I've become a slave to this alien stuff sprouting out of my head. But once I retire, it's coming off.