Crustacean Love

I adore my friend Ruebin. We share an unabashed love of many things, but most of all, those outright sick steakhouses that serve obscene slabs of meat with small side dabs of creamed spinach, garlicky broccoli rabe and a salad. If you're not familiar with the Ruebin, please refer to my post of October 23rd which tells you all you need to know about the man. His appetites rival mine which explains why we enjoy each other as we do.

Ruebin is coming into Manhattan next week and we're hosting a client dinner on Thursday. He called me today to confirm the details; now, down to the brass tacks.

R: We're going to Old Homestead, baby!
Me: Jesus.
R: I'm uploading their menu online right now.
(pause)
R: Fuck! They have a $41.00 hamburger..
Me: It's Kobe beef. I hear it's overrated.
R: Fuck that. They have an 18 ounce filet mignon. 18 ounces!!!
Me: Stop it. I'm getting aroused.
R: The thing there is the lobster tail.
Me: Well, you know I never turn down tail.
R: It's two pounds of sweet succulent lobster meat.
Me: No way!
R: Yes! It comes out looking like a loaf of freaking bread! It's browned on top and crusty and it's fucking amazing.
Me: I hate wrestling it out of the shell.
R: Are you kidding? The waiters slice it up in two, two and half ounce pieces. They look like little lobster filets.
Me: Sweet Jesus.
R: Surf and turf, baby.
Me: Please don't tell me that the turf are the 18 ounce filets.
R: Nah, the turf sucks. You go for the surf. That's lobster meaty goodness!
Me: Well, this is a dilemma. How do you get this amazing lobster without getting the sucky turf?
R: You order the seafood tower first..
Me: The two pound lobster is in here?
R: Naw, the seafood tower is only an appetizer.
Me: Anything called a tower doesn't sound like an appetizer.
R: (ignoring me)Then you order the two pound lobster separately.
Me: (impatiently) But what about the meat?!
R: The ribeye, bitch. It is kicking!That's the entree!

I'll let Reubin order. Then I'll be doing crunches, sit ups and push ups for the next eight years. It'll be so worth it.

We concluded our conversation talking about vasectomies (his in particular--after four kids, he's done). He told me his doctor said he had "resilient testicles." Ruebin then added, "He said I had the balls of a teenager." I had to say, "What? Blue?"

This is as close to phone sex as I get these days.