Who The Hell is Billy Mays and Why Is He Always Yelling At Me?

I am a connoisseur of cable television and with that burden comes the dreaded infomercial. Lately it seems there has been a spate of commercials featuring this woolly pitchman, Billy Mays. I don't know where this guy came from but I do know that he is so aggressive in his sales pitch that he appears to be yelling at me. Will that level of exuberance force me to run to the telephone to purchase a five pound tub of Oxi-Clean? Or the mega spray bottle of Orange Glo? That's to say nothing of Liquid Diamond Simoniz car polish, the dual set of Samurai sheers, the Zorbeez duster, the Hercules hook or the wireless light switch. He always tells me to order now for if I do he's going to double the number of products he's sending me for the same price as one. All that tells me is the cost to manufacture one Zorbeez duster is twenty-two cents.

I'm sure Billy is considered the new guru of infomercial marketing but the truth is, no one mastered the artistry of the online sales pitch like Ron Popeil. Mister Ronco had some absolutely outrageous shit to hawk and he sold them effectively and convincingly. How many of you purchased the pocket fisherman, the rotisserie ("set it and forget it"), the dial-o-matic, the veg-o-matic, Mr. Microphone, the inside-the-egg scrambler, the pasta maker, the solid flavor injector, the smokeless ashtray, the cap snaffler and my favorite Great Looking Hair Formula (essentially spray paint to cover a bald spot). I personally bought the food dehydrator because I was convinced it would keep me in dried apricots and beef jerky until I was 90 (it ended up in the garage a month later and was sold in a garage sale a year later). Mr. Popeil introduced the classic infomercial patois of "But wait, there's more!" and "Now how much would you pay?" He lured us in and we went willingly.
Popeil was the son of a carny and obviously that influenced his style. He was brash, confident and as dogged as a good salesperson should be. The key to his success? He never yelled at his customers. So learn from that Billy.