Naturally, I can not let such a momentous occasion pass by without a discourse on the variety of underwear that Fruit of the Loom, Victoria's Secret, Agent Provocateur and Hanes has bestowed on us. Unlike the cotton stuff I was swaddled in as a child, there is a whole new genre of underwear to choose from. Under the circumstances of this occasion let's examine the various types of underwear available to women in this modern age (I'd also undertake an analysis of the bra, but people, I need to sleep sometime tonight). Let's stick to the sub region dressing.
A wide variety of panty types panties exist. Let's review:
Grandma Pants
These require an acre of material and extend from your waist to the top of your thigh. Usually made of cotton or nylon, they have a durable waistband, reinforced leg holes and a scratchy label right in the center of your ass. Redeeming value: they are wonderful when you're suffering full-tilt-boogie menstrual distress and cotton ones absorb sweat better than a towel when worn under exercise clothes (I know this one first hand).
The High-Cut Panty
This more feminine panty is cut higher on the hip yet still provides forgiving coverage on the stomach. Victoria's Secret Body by Victoria has a superb selection in this genre. Just saying. Not like I'd know.
Bikini
Probably the most popular version of the panty. Most women wear this version in silk, satin, cotton, nylon, wool, fur. Well, fur if we could. And if it didn't piss PETA off.
Satin String Bikini
I had to include this because it feels delicious to wear..providing you don't actually have to put clothes over it. This is the kind of underwear that put the salute in National Underwear Day.
Boyshorts
I actually hate boyshorts. Only teenagers and really skinny bitches wear them. For the rest of the normal world, it looks like a tube top accidentally put on upside down.
The G-String
A softer sister of the evil Thong. The G-String is usually soft and silky and inviting and pleasant to wear. Unlike...
The Thong
Evil Incarnate. Cruel Butt Floss. Wear only when you have tight white pants on or if you're pretty convinced you're going to get laid. Despite these benefits, you need pliers to extract that string out of your butt crack at the end of the day. What sick bastard created this evil piece of apparel? And don't you feel like an ass paying $20.00 for a clothing swatch with an elastic band? I do.
Commando
It's not really underwear but given its recent popularity, it deserves a shout out. Tip: If you're going to go commando, waxing is recommended. We'll take your word for it. Yeah, we really don't need to see that again.
Fun Fact: In England, panties are referred to as knickers.
Celebrate this day; enjoy your panties.
4 comments:
Another Craig Ferguson fan, you cheeky monkey!
Yeah, I don't understand the thong. Why bother at all? If you don't want panty lines, why strap on a torture device? Just go without. Not that I would EVER do that!
I always enjoy my panties!
My 19-year-old stepdaughter has been wearing thongs exclusively since she was about 14. I guess you can get used to anything. But damn, why would you want to have a 24/7 wedgie?
I am terrible at buying underwear. Isn't that stupid? I always buy them either too small or too big, and I have issues with anything too tight around the leg hole.
I never thought of myself as a skinny bitch and I only wish I was a teenager; shoot me, but I love the boyshorts! They are the most comfortable panty made. Ok, maybe they shouldn't even be classified as a panty, as they're not the most "ladylike" choice, but for everyday wear, can't beat them. I'm practical when it comes to underwear. Like a thong, no panty lines; unlike a thong, they don't have to be in your crack to get the job done. Added bonus: you can sit around the house in your underwear without offending anyone.
Post a Comment