Menace to Society

Oh, that would be me.

Today I decided to go and unpack my office. I held off doing so for five months. Partially because I never had time to do it and partially because I was convinced that once I did unpack my office, I would be out of a job. It must be one of those useless Slavic superstitions.

But today I knew I had to get it done. I had files and reference reports buried in those boxes that I really needed to find in order to compile my 2008 budgets. This task could wait no longer. I got into the car and flew to Connecticut.

When I entered the office, I used my security swipe card to enter. Little did I know that on the weekend when the security system is enabled, one needs to swipe an additional port to enter the building. I didn't do this and failing so, I set off a piercing alarm. It wailed and squealed loudly. Oh. Not good.

I got into the office and immediately called our director of operations. His wife answered his cell phone. When I explained the current state of office Armageddon, she passed the phone to her husband and said, "Some nut from work is trying to reach you." Oh, great.

He offered some advice to me and I tried that. It failed to silence the alarm. I then called the facilities manager who suggested I try swiping the card again--it should right itself in a few minutes. I went downstairs to swipe the port again and at that very moment, I saw several police cars fly to the building with their sirens and lights flashing. Oh, that would be a double great.

The cars barricaded the entrance of the building. Thank God I am a white girl with blond hair and blue eyes. You heard me. This is Fairfield County, people.

I trotted out to the first police car with a confident assurance. He rolled down his window and glared at me skeptically.

"No worries, officer" I said in my breeziest fashion. "I accidentally set the alarm off and well, who knew you needed to swipe the second card to get in the building on the weekend?"

"Name, ma'am." he said, his fingers poised over the keyboard in his squad car.

I gave him my name. He typed it in. He looked at me and said, "Ma'am, it might be useful for you to be better acquainted with the security systems in your office and the procedures if you decide to work on a weekend again, ma'am."

And maybe it might be good for you to better acquainted with the finger you'd like up your ass, you silly man.

I wish I had said that, but of course I did not. I had work to do. I just nodded like the wimp that I am. At this point, I had already wasted 30 minutes of precious time so I had no intention of wasting a moment longer.

By the time I left the office at 2 pm, the alarm was still beeping, bleating out errant yelps. I couldn't hear it. I had John Legend cranked up in my office. Way. way high.