Creative Tips for Employee Evaluations

I don't know about you, but writing annual employee evaluations is a painful process. You shower them with encouragement, praise and constructive criticism throughout the year yet you have to compile an opus that serves as a compendium of all this feedback for them annually. I realize this document slips neatly into some one's HR record so it's a task that shouldn't be forged lightly. However the expectation on the part of the employee is often so great that they may read through a "War & Peace" sized tome about their efforts and look up dejectedly, whimpering, "You didn't say anything about my personalized customer service." Oy vey. It makes me crazy.

Fortunately most of the people that I write reviews for have their idiosyncrasies, yes, but the majority are far from inept. I have often longed for the opportunity to slip a zinger or two into a review but I can't. These are usually reserved for really inept folks (and the HR police would probably put the kibosh on the zingers anyway). It's fun to imagine, regardless.

As fodder, a friend sent me an e-mail that included a list of actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations. You'd sort of expect Federal Government employees deserve the zingers; their management obviously does. Here's a sampling:

1 . "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more
of a definite 'won't be'."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."

6. "This young lady had delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and he consistently fails to
achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."

10. "Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus . 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a distributor."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."

23. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

File for future reference.