Reality Check

A series of conference calls (and let me be clear, on a rather serious topic) dominated the day so I needed to be focused and professional and proactive. I had to suppress my urge to yawn or heave in a stage worthy sigh over redundant reiterations or tap out Internet urls that would be infinitely more interesting than the issue at hand. Alas, I am in a position where I had to focus and make important decisions, some involving some unbudgeted pools of heady expenditures, so I paid close attention.

At mid day, I hung up the phone. What shall I do first? Pee? Get more coffee? Put my head outside and see if the sun has risen today? Fate intervened. The Glamazon heard my office door creak open and raced on her skyscraper high shoes for an entree. She poked her head in and said hello. The sight of her was so pleasant, I bade her welcome with both arms reaching out. "Come in," I screeched out, "and regale me with something new about you." The conversation was as follows:

Me: Oh, it's so nice to see you. How are..
Glamazon: I have bone cancer.
M: What..? What the fuck? Are you serious?
G: Well, I think that's what it is.
M: What does your doctor say?
G: Well, I haven't been to a doctor yet.
M; Call me crazy, but how do you know it's bone cancer?
G: Well, my leg hurts and it's hurt for three weeks. And I am terribly fatigued. And I'm dropping weight. And I'm not trying to lose weight. Well, that's not really true, I am trying to lose some weight since I gained a little after eating too much after I broke up with The Idiot. But I am very tired and my leg hurts.
M: And this means bone cancer.
G: Well, you can't rule it out. At least I have cancer insurance.
M: ...cancer insurance?
G: (loudly, squawking) Aflac! Quack! Quack! I love that duck.
M: The duck..?
G: The cancer duck. It costs me nothing but if I get cancer, I will be able to get treatment and my bills will be paid.
M: While you slowly waste away from bone cancer?
G: Exactly!
M: I did read that the highest incident of breast cancer in the country is on Long Island.
G: Oh really?! I shop at the Loehmann's on Long Island!! Maybe my listlessness is related to cancer contracted from Long Island! I better call my doctor!
M: You should do that, honey.

I appreciated this absurd and delightful reality check more than I can tell you.