Jonesing

I admit it. My reliance on the Internet is clearly revealed the moment I don't have ready access to it on my laptop. That unfortunate moment occurred yesterday after I returned from a run around Oxford Circus to invade some key London shopping venues (Note to Double D: Top Shop was massive, but rather lacking--hello, where are trapeze dresses English people!). I returned to the hotel in the late afternoon just as the rain started, made a cup of tea, powered up my reliable aging IBM laptop to post on this blog and do a little work before my work event began in the early evening.

Error codes freak me out. That could be a precursor to the laptop imploding as far as I'm concerned. And that's all I was getting. Blank screens. Unknown domains. All kinds of computer language gabblygook that I don't actually understand but I know is vindictive and problematic. I comprehend enough to recognize I was not getting online. I clasped my laptop under my arm and I raced to the lobby of the hotel like a woman possessed.

The attendants at the circular registration desk saw me coming and parted in smooth peel offs, like a sequence in a square dance reel. I must have had the look of wild desperation in my eyes for the last man left halted himself, realizing that someone would have to service this dreadful pain in the ass (that would be me). He straighted himself up, adjusted his jacket and lifted his chin, which gave him the opportunity to look down his nose at me and ask, "Y-e-e-e-s-s-s-s-s-s, Madam?"

"Hey, I have a big problem," I spurted in a manner that was more New Yorky than I wanted to be. When I'm overseas, I prefer to be as gentile as my environment, but we are talking about my ability to access the Internet here, right? I lost my head. "Yes?" he intoned, in that same flaccid and detached manner.

I explained the dilemma. He appeared unmoved. Besides the personal need to blog, I did actually have work reports that had to be finished and financial reports that were due to the Group President's hand at 8 am on Monday morning. Gosh, that aspect sounded important so I invoked an urgency. As I explained this incredibly pressing dilemma in patience tones, he stood bored and indifferent. Oh, this was going to be hard.

Exasperated finally, I said to him, "Look, I'm paying $250 a night for a room the size of a Kenmore Refrigerator. At least you can grant me Internet access. I'd pay..and gladly.. for that too."

Then this smug bastard says, "Madam, why don't you sit and work in the lobby? We have wifi."

I simply couldn't muster a word (although "Fuck you" was comfortably resting on the tip of my tongue). I just stood there with a blank and annoyed look on my face. A moment later, an empathetic man quickly appeared and sputtered, "Madam, there is no Internet service in the hotel. We are upgrading it tonight. It will be up by 7 am tomorrow." Smugman departed and I looked into the eyes of my new possible savior.

At this point I was more anxious about the financial reports that I had to get to my boss because this is a non yielding deadline. I leaned over the counter and peered deeply into Empathyman's eyes. I said in my most desperate yet dulcet tone, "Can you guarantee it will be up by then because I simply must get some reports to my manager in the US first thing?"

"Oh YES, Madam," he said assuredly. We stared down eyes for almost 10 seconds. He didn't blink.

"Alright, then. Thank you," I said and strode away. He instilled confidence.

This morning at 5:35 am, I spent 45 minutes transcribing numbers from my laptop reports manually to my blackberry to send the financial report to management. And I even didn't get to blog. You think I was upset?

The next time I go down to that lobby, I am opening a serious can of good old American whoop ass.