It's Fall 2007 Fashion Week in New York and that always inspires me to invest a little quality time downloading the looks and trends of the upcoming season. New York stores follow suit and what appears on the racks rarely mirrors the needs of the actual physical season. Here's a perfect illustration: it was bitter cold in Manhattan today and at one point, I wandered into no less than six stores to try and find a hat, purely for warmth. Aunt Bert always says heat escapes from one's head which could cause premature death and today, my head was definitely a dead man walking. Each store I went into offered only flimsy, whimsical cotton and straw hats, better suited for a day on the beach. At the final emporium (Old Navy, if you must know), I grasped a salesperson, begging for direction of appropriate winter headgear. She grimaced at me and said, "Honey, we sold that stuff months ago. You should have been here in November. We had wool hats on sale for $1.99." In the end and out of sheer desperation, I parted with a hard earned five dollar bill for a striped beanie from a street vendor that looked downright condom-like on my head, but it did protect me from the first stages of frostbite...and that whole premature head death thing.

New York fashion week sets the pace for what to watch for next Winter (so I can buy it now before the stores sell out of it in April 2007). Per the soothsayer of all things a'la mode (the French meaning, not ice cream on pastry), Fashiontrendsetter.com: "Neutral colors are forecasted to be this autumn's most fashionable hues in a bid to provide a soothing landscape for life's complexities. The latest insight from Pantone, Inc., the global authority on color and provider of professional color standards for the design industries, shows that designers are turning to soothing shades with occasional splashes of rich, vibrant colors to add an exotic dimension to the neutrals".

Please, what a crock of bullshit. I mean, soothing landscape for life's complexities? Just say it already! Khaki is back and GAP corporate management are rubbing their hands together, scheming at the revenue upside they'll soon be enjoying with the reintroduction of the everyman working pant. I'm already wondering what au courant person will be pressed into duty (enticed by hefty residual checks) to hawk the virtues of the soothing landscape of the blond-hued, non threatening pant. Note to GAP: Rappers ain't exactly down with the khaki, ya dig? Philip Seymour Hoffman fits the bill, I'd wager.

Bless 'em, but Fashiontrendsetter also published a full spectrum of pantone color samples, illustrating the rich and bland hues of Fall 2007. This playful list snatched from this dictionary of color includes names such as simply taupe, vetiver, apple cinnamon and golden ochre. I have one word for these: KHAKI. Come on, now. Do you fashionistas think we bumpkins just fell off the apparel wagon here?

Since my ire was up, I had to press on in this minefield of fashion mediocrity so I scrolled down for additional narrative. Behold this innovative quote: "Autumn 2006 is a time to transition back to more dependable colors," says Leatrice Eiseman, executive director, Pantone Color Institute. "We’re looking for colors we can wrap ourselves in – a feeling achieved through classic neutrals as a base, accented with rich hues. Half of the palette, remarkably, is expressed in basic chestnuts – all very familiar, very approachable tones. It’s an inviting warmth not seen in the past few seasons that designers are now embracing." You lost me at dependable, sister. Dependable is what my Aunt Vivian wears when she goes to church. Dependable is underwear that rises above your belly button when you pull it up. Dependable is a pair of wallabies. I do not do dependable.

So in the end, I deserted today's venture into next years Fall/Winter trends. I own a lot of black apparel and ultimately, that's what is truly dependable.