Because I'll be firmly trapped in Queens tomorrow for most of the day, enjoying the bounty of root vegetables and the inevitable flatuence that will accompany it, I give you some adolescent humor to trot out at your respective dinner table to delight and horrify your families. This was actually an e-mail a friend sent to me today, which did make me laugh. But y'all know I appreciate silly and dirty humor. A girl has to be consistent.

The headline for this was, "Things You Can Only Say on Thanksgiving."

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. Are you ready for seconds yet?
7. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
8. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
9. Don't play with your meat.
10. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
12. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
13. How long will it take after you stick it in?
14. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
15. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

I know. I may be a mature woman on the outside, but inside, I'm always going to be a 13 year old boy.

Happy Thanksgiving.