Cross Roads

Hollaback and I met up today for a little nosh and a catch up. She's had quite a whirlwind life as of late and I queried her on all points of her life. What I appreciate most about my generous friend is this: she's clear and decisive and pragmatic. She knows what she wants, she knows what she likes and she knows what she can live or live without. I quite admire her.

She brought me a sampling of her thoughtful glassblowing as a gift. It was an opaque sand blasted piece of heavy glass which initially resembled a swan in repose. She then explained the final product looked like a heavy pair of testicles and a flaccid uncircumcised penis. I could so see that and was flattered to know she thought I would appreciated it. I did.

I found today that I was awkward. For once, I had so little to say to such an old and trusted friend. I did have a lot to say; I just couldn't say it. Truth is, I can tell Hollaback anything but right now, I don't know how to actually articulate it. I am at a true cross roads in my life.

I am rethinking everything in my life right now. I think my marriage is waning. I am thinking I need to start investigating my second career. I think I need to leave New York. I think I need to let go of the pressure of always doing the right thing because in the end, someone is never satisfied. And I need to stop giving a shit about things that really aren't important.

I've actually endeavored to do the right thing my entire life. I've stayed on the straight and narrow and sucked it up. It's garnered me some wins and a fair amount of discontent. And I don't think I want to do it anymore. I want to be selfish and I want to please myself now. I want to wake up in the morning and feel I am actually and fully in control of my life.

I need to screw up the courage to make those things happen.

I couldn't tell you that, Hollaback, as much I wanted to. For once, I need to sort this out for myself first.